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Quote1 You boys are the first complaints I've ever gotten--like since before Kirby dolled me up! But "to each, his own," I suppose. Now we can get this scene over with? We've only got 6 pages to spoof twelve issues!!" Quote2
-- Scarlett Wench src
 

Silver Age

Wanda is a direct descendant, specifically the great great great great great great granddaughter, of the Ivory Wench, a mutant sorceress who was almost executed in Salem in 1692 AD.[7] Wanda is also the daughter of the mutant supervillain Magneeto and she has a twin brother, Pimento, who would eventually become the super-fast superhero known as Quicksilver, then Slicksilver.[8] Wanda had been trained by Haggatha Darkness before Darkness' death.[8]

Wanda became a superhero and she adopted the nom-de-guerre Scarlet Witch.[5] She was a mystically-oriented superheroine,[9] While the Scarlet Witch was not originally a beauty, she became one after comic-book artist Jack Kirby took care of her, and her new looks were universally liked.[8] The Scarlet Witch also became a member of the Avengers, along with her brother Pimento, then known as Quicksilver; the Captain America[5][4] and the archer Hawkeye. They were headquartered in the Avengers Mansion, and the Scarlet Witch's beauty attracted the eye of Hawkeye and Captain America; Quicksilver was quick to anger at this, as he thought his sister was too good for them.[5] During a lazy day in the Avengers, the Scarlet Witch sat on a couch with Quicksilver and she read a book on weird family trees; she noticed that Captain America was getting ready to leave, and she asked him, discovering that he was simply going for a stroll and maybe look for the villain Sub-Mariner.[4]

The Scarlet Witch and three other superheroines, Marvel Girl of the X-Men and Invisible Girl of the Fantastic Four, felt that the male superheroes in their respective teams and times did not respect the girls and did not treat them as equals, instead doing their pointless heroics by themselves. Due to this, the three girls looked for romantic partners with different approaches, and found these in three new boyfriends: The supervillains Kang, Magneto (previously Magneeto) and Doctor Doom, who agreed to date them because the Marvel Universe of that time had few other girls except for the Wasp and Aunt May—even then, Kang kept dibs on the later should these girls failed. The girls kept their relationships with the villains a secret to the male heroes.[5]

The Avengers later trained in a gymnasium under the watchful eye of Captain America. While the Captain prompted the others to keen their focus, he was unable to focus on his own speech because he was too infatuated with the aerobics of the Scarlet Witch. Noticing this, Quicksilver angered and threatened the Captain; the Captain, trying to stray off, claimed he was thinking about another beautiful superheroine, Marvel Girl, but Quicksilver didn't buy it. Hawkeye insisted that many other men, including Hawkeye himself, frequently thought about the Scarlet Witch in that sense. This triggered off Quicksilver, who physically attacked the Captain.[5]

The fight was interrupted by a misled alarm, warning about a problem in the city center. The Avengers ran to a quinjet and left. Particularly, they left the Scarlet Witch behind, asking her to tidy up the Mansion instead of joining them in what they considered a too dangerous task for a woman. The Scarlet Witch felt unappreciated and joined the Invisible Girl and the Marvel Girl. With her crystal ball, the Scarlet Witch monitored the males' colorful but pointless encounter and, once the girls had decided that the boys would need hours before coming back, she and her friends went to see their boyfriends.[5]

Through the years, the Scarlet Witch, renamed Scarlett Wench, cultivated friendships with other superheroes. She and her brother Quicksilver, then known as Slicksilver, became allies of the X-Men, then known as the Muties or the X-Persons.[10] The Scarlett Wench also struck up a friendship with the Sub-Mariner, then known as Prince No-More,[8] and she was in first name basis with Doctor Deranged, sorcerer supreme. Like other mystically-oriented superheroes, the Scarlett Wench periodically went to Deranged with questions or requests.[9]

Marriage with Vizzion

The Scarlett Wench met a fellow superhero, the android Vizzion, and they fell in love with each other, not to his surprise.[1] They eventually married in a movement that Slicksilver did not approve, as Pimento felt no respect for a machine like Vizzion. Slicksilver in turn had married Gristle of the Quasi-Humans and had a daughter with her, Loony; the Scarlett Wench enjoyed spending time with her niece.[8] Her marriage did not stop the Scarlett Wench, sometimes Scarlet Wench with one T, to keep on with her attractive aerobic activities. Other superheroes appreciated her dedication: Mr. Fantastical of the Fantastical Four frequently stretched his neck through the city to ogle at the Scarlett Wench; although, when his then-wife the Inevitable Woman (previously Invisible Girl) discovered this, she reprimanded him physically.[2]

The Vizzion and the Scarlett Wench decided to move to Leonia, a sleepy hamlet in New Jersey. They were afraid of the reaction of their new neighbors, not knowing whether the weird mutant sorcerer-robot superhero couple would be accepted. In fact, Leonia's anti-mutant bigot community hated the newcomers and reduced their house to rubble through the use of improper chew-lawn treatments. The Vizzion and the Scarlett Wench were forced to leave.[8]

A number of things happened. Magneto changed his name to Magneeto again,[11] then to Magneat-o, and he became the heroic, well-liked[8] leader of the X-Persons (previously X-Men).[11] The Vizzion was dismantled for some reason and the Scarlett Wench had to rebuild him, but a piece of him was left over, and the Vizzion, while operative, was obssessed with cheese dip. The Scarlett Wench went to Doctor Deranged for counsel,[9] but on her way she saw Superbman fighting some members of the Fantastical Four. When Superbman punched the Thung and broker the Thung's outer rocky shell, revealing an attractively naked Bem Glumm, the Scarlett Wench joined three other superheroines to grade Glumm's good looks in an ad-hoc beauty contest; the Scarlett Wench gave him a 9.1 over 10, the second-highest grade after Tigirl's 9.9; Magnavox and Talkin' bird gave lower grades.[12] The Scarlett Wench then joined other supplicants in the secret, unsuspected sanctum sancyouverymuch of Doctor Deranged, but Deranged felt overwhelmed by the demands and escaped to another dimension.[9] Apparently the Scarlett Wench solved his husband's problem otherwise.[8]

By then, the Scarlett Wench got pregnant,[8] or so she said. Really, she had decided to use a fake baby spell to temporally turn a pair of wooden puppets into real-looking babies, so he could use them to emotionally blackmail her husband by making him believe that she was taking care of the children in a supposedly-extenuating day while he was out. This would making him felt guilt and motivate him to clumsily pamper her and making empty promises of future help and support.[1] Although her mind was already clear about this, she had forgotten to tell Vizzion about her pregnancy.[1]

Unrelenting, the Vizzion and the Scarlett Wench bought a new house in Leonia, decided to live there now that they knew for sure that the locals hated them. The Scarlett Wench had made her decision and her husband supported her, even thinking that she was making no sense. They went there in a roth dragster borrowed from the X-Persons and were received by a crowd of demonstrators who opposed to weird-looking non-human living there and making the terrain's value fall (These neighbors included Frankenstein's Monster, the Mole Mensch and Scrooge McDuck). The Scarlett Wench argued with them, explaining that they were parodying a twelve-issue comic-book series and explaining the good parts of this, including the restricted community. She convinced the neighbours to leave, although even the Vizzion admitted she was making no sense. Then, they could enter the home, where the Scarlett Wench recognized the electric appliances as her in-laws, and she repeatedly insisted that no living enemy could stop t them.[8]

The Scarlett Wench decided to make a housewarming party where they could also celebrate their twelve-issue series and her pregancy. She told Vizzion and he surprised graphically, with her saying that he was getting the hang of comedy.[8] The Vizzion knew that he was a robot, and thus unable to have children, so he was really surprised—and not totally in a good way.[1] The Scarlett Wench invited his family to the party, including her bad-turned-good father (who was still not totally on her husband's good side), her twin brother and his family. The Vizzion in turn invited his weird relatives due to his mental patterns, his so-called brother Wottaguy and Dour Dead-head, who was touchy by the fact that Vizzion had gotten Dour's brother's brain patterns. Three neighbours spontaneously joined the party to introduce themselves: Bobby and Sue Ellen Klepto, a couple of stage magicians; and Linda LaDueña, who had showed potential as a sorceress. All of them were wellcome, although Pimento still was unhappy at his sister having married Vizzion.[8]

The party was a success and, when it was starting to wane, they were attacked by several supervillains including an Evil Magneat-o, Master Slime, Tremulous Toadstool, Allura the Enrapturess, Brutal-cuss and a guy who looked like Thorn. The Scarlett Wench and the Vizzion insisted to fight themselves instead of allowing their guests to. She took good care of Brutal-cuss with her mutant vex power and, when Allura tried to seduce the Vizzion, the Scarlett Wench was confident that his unhuman nature would allow him to resist. Haggatha Darkness appeared as a ghost to cheer her former student. Defeating the villains revived the party, but then they were faced by an unforeseen enemy: The mortgage broker.[8]

The Scarlett Wench and Slicksilver then saw the Ominous consortium of their most deadly and most implacable enemies, who were enemies of the X-Persons, relentlessly approaching the X-Person's secret beach house lair. The Scarlett Wench and Slicksilver went ahead (Slicksilver is good at speeding up), reaching the beach house earlier than the villains to warn their allies in the X-Persons; but mostly to get a crossover with the Mutant Beach Party! saga. The X-Persons offered them to join, but the Scarlett Wench and Slicksilver refused because they were short on time due to their other story in the same issue.[10]

Motherhood

When the Avengers reformed as the Offengers, the Scarlett Wench and the Vizzion were not seen among them,[11] but both joined the team at its following iteration, the Revengers.[3]

The Scarlet Wench(TM) also sponsored one of the models of "hazardous material (c) survival suit" available through the might marvel merchandising franchise - the one with her likeness was the only model for the ladies(TM).[13]

Thanks to a clever use of her super-human powers, Wanda could combine the house chores and her supposed children with superhero activities, and at the same time visit the mall daily - apparently not to buy clothes. The Scarlett Wench's Oscar Mayer wieners became a local speciality, particularly enjoyed by one of the many super-powered friends of the family, Dragon Man.[1] The Scarlett Wench, then called Scarlet Wench, "gave birth."[14]

By that time, the Vizzion suffered a number of changes: His healthy red plastic cover was replaced by a ghostly, pale one; his uniform changed to adapt to this less-strainful-for-colorist appearance; as he had become more of an inhuman Vizzion, he changed his name to the Visionary; and his mind suffered an amnesia,[3][14] making him conduct as a cuckoo.[3] He forgot that he had had children, and this strained the Scarlet Wench's marriage.[14]

This did not stop the couple to continue serving in the Revengers. At this point, Chaplain America (previously known as Captain America) had noticed that several villains from Dee-See comics were attacking the city for no reason he was aware of; thus, America gathered the Revengers.

The Scarlet Wench and the Visionary went to the meeting room, and two other Revengers, the Waste and Wondrous Man (previously Wottaguy) announced the arrival of a red-clad female sorcerer and a ghostly pale person. As these were Casper the friendly ghost and Wendy the good little witch, Chaplain America expelled them.

The Scarlet Wench and the Visionary finally arrived and Chaplain America briefed them, although the Visionary didn't seem to be listening. Before the Revengers could organize a plan, their newest member Motorola arrived, having captured the mastermind: The Jazzgardian villain Low Key. This discovery surprised the Revengers, including the Scarlet Wench (The Visionary was still daydreaming). The Dee-See villains agreed to return to their universe.[3]

Some time after this, the Visionary had an offstage accident with a bucket while behind the scenes. This recovered his memory, and the Visionary ran shouting for Wanda and asking about his children.[14] He took the false name of Al Bino and the alias of the Vision, while the Scarlet Wench changed her alias to Scarlet Itch and took the false name of Iwanda Newhouse. She also changed her hairstyle to Marge Simpson's style, and they went to live at Leonia. Making good use of his super-powers to do the chores (and to spoil herself a little bit), and having children who secretly only existed when someone else was watching, the Scarlet Itch was able to take care of all her responsibilities. Only the Scarlet Itch's two close friends Shrewsan Witchards (the Inevitable Woman of the Fantastical Four) and Jennifer-sher Altereds (the Hulkshee of the Revengers) knew about the scam, and they approved it as the Scarlet Itch got an occasional foot massage when her husband left her alone "taking care of the children."[1]

Even then, after fighting so hard to preserve their humanity, the Vision was not particularly thrilled at his life facing the humanity's common problems. His wife constantly went shopping, spending the Vision's hard-earned Revengers paycheck, although she never bought any new clothes; and she also imposed on him the quick visits of her brother who commonly left before Vision could even see him but rusted the Vision in the process. But most of all, he started to suspect that his children, William and Thomas, were not his; Vision thought that Iwanda had cheated him with one of his many super-powered friends. On the advice of a neighbour, Vision talked with his friend Duhhdevil, whose super-powers included a lie detector, and asked Duhhdevil to question the other super-humans about their implication in the children affair. To provide a backgrond, the Vision staged a costume party for his friends. After the party, Duhhdevil said that no-one there had ever do anything with Iwanda, and the Vision was moved at that, regretting his previous doubts. While Iwanda was playing cards with Hulkshee and the Inevitable Woman in another room, the Vision sang a song for his friends, and the guys left to fight injustice (and in-laws) for fun until the early hours in the morning.[1]

The Scarlet Itch remained behind, chatting with her friends and removing the spell that animated her children as soon as she was sure it was safe. Shrewsan then suggested Iwanda to pretend to be possessed by an evil force or to be more bossy with Vision by assuming a domineering attitude. Iwanda considered that this idea deserved further consideration, especially as it also gave her an excuse to try a new hairstyle.[1]

Wanda still perceived that her husband has become irratatingly dull and took him, against his will and best judgement, to a personality-changing service offered by a Mad Stinker at a shopping center. The Stinker, who claimed a posteriori to know anything Wanda was to say even if he never reacted in time, got a supply of artificial brains he could put on Vizzion, changing the android's personality and physical appearance - however, these were in general not of Wanda's liking. The Stinker tried to convince Wanda that a bellicose body and bloodthirsty, borderline-psycho brain were tantamount to popularity and new comic-book series, but she still rejected that one and many others - including one that transformed Visionary into a doppleganger of the Mad Stinker who started discussing with the original one, to Wanda's chagrin. The Stinker then outfitted Vizzion with the brain of transformationer, and the Vizzion literally became a bread toaster, changing his body in the process. Wanda was euphoric at this, because it meant that her husband would help with house chores, a very useful ability in combination with Wanda's own hex powers. She thanked the Stinker and left with her new appliance.[6]

Further activities

The Scarlet Itch continued her activities with the Revengers. At one point, Chaplain America called the Revengers, including the Scarlet Itch, to give them an important piece of news: The Fantastical Four, long-time collaborators of the Revengers, had decided to stop fighting crime, focusing instead in their careers as rock stars. The Fantastical Four had also sent tickets so that all the Revengers could go see them at their following concert.[15]

Meanwhile, two members of the alien species known as the Watchers, Smilin' Sulatu and Oscillatin' Oago, had decided to adapt classic movies to the Mighty Marble Style, with Marble characters playing the main roles. For the first "Marble Movie Madness," the chosen original movie was John Huston's The Maltese Falcon, starring Chaplain America (Earth-9047) as a private detective still mourning after the death of his sidekick Bunky at the hands of villainous Baron Zero. Zero disguised as the very attractive, and unnamed, Scarlet Itch and played a femme fatale, hiring Chaplain America to find the valuable chocolate statue known as the Malted Falcon, which Zero/she claimed to be hers. America noticed that the girl had been followed by The Fat Man and his thugs. The Fat Man ordered America to get the Falcon for him in fifteen minutes, and left, with the girl still in the room. Fortunately, a fatally-wounded Norwegian ship captain arrived and gave America a box. The girl suggested that both her and America left for Pittsburgh, where the Fat Man would not reach'em; but America had seen through her disguise and revealed Zero's ugly face behind Wanda's mask. Nonetheless, America gave the Fat Man the box, knowing that it did not contained the Malted Falcon but the Malted DeFalco, and he romantically left with Zero.[16]

Wanda then changed her alias to Scarlet Wench. Meanwhile, while Sheeza-Hulk (previously known as Hulkshee) considered dating other superhumans, he saw Mr. Fantastical being beaten by his wife after she accused him of oogling after the Scarlet Wench again. Considering the Sheeza-Hulk's romantic life, this marital fighting due to the Scarlet Wench was more than she was getting at the time.[2] Meanwhile, the Watchers contacted the real Scarlet Wench this time for a cameo appearance their second Marble Movie Madness, "Driving Medoozy", an adaptation of Driving Miss Daisy. In the movie, the Quasi-Humans held job interviews for a guest star who would appear with the increasingly-grumpy Medoozy in an attempt to make her nicer and more commercial. The Scarlet Witch was seen in the queue of candidates for the job; but she was not chosen.[17]

Then, the super-villain Thermos threatened life throughout the universe in an attempt to court the personification of Death. Several super-heroes, including the Scarlet Wench and her hubby, joined their forces and travelled to Thermos' lair using fed ups parcels service. Unfortunately, the heroes were not strong enough to resist Thermos, and all of them were killed. However, after Thernos was defeated in his romantic advances,[18] the super-heroes returned to life.[19]

Powers

Wanda is a mutie[10] sorcerer,[9] having a number of powers that include:

  • Clothing change: The Scarlett Wench can change clothes between panels as if by magic. Most of the time, but not always, she is dressing in red. Nearby people's clothing can also be affected by this power to a lesser extent.[8] However, her husband the Visionary for some reason believes that she has been wearing the same clothes for the last two decades, even if she visits the mall daily.[1]
  • Crystal ball: She can use her magic on a crystal ball to watch events happening in other places.[5]
  • Fake baby spell: Using this spell, Wanda can take up to two wooden puppets and make everyone around believe that they are real babies—with some quirks, but real human babies.[1]
  • Mutant vex power: This power allows the Scarlett Wench to frustrate her enemies until they almost suffer form apoplexy.[8]
  • S-Factor: As a mutie, she has the S-Factor in her DNA, enormously increasing the sales of any comic-book series she appears at.[10]
  • Summoning: Wanda can summon a half-dressed hunk to file her nails.[1]
  • Telekinesis: Wanda can use telekinesis to operate electrical appliances without effort while she is comfortably sitting.[1]

Abilities

The Scarlet Wench is a mystically-oriented superheroine, familiar with several magic spells,[1] although she is not as a good magician as Doctor Deranged.[9] The Scarlett Wench had been trained, probably in magic, by Haggatha Darknes.[8]

The Scarlett Wench has other skills, including craftiness to perform scams for a long time,[1] and the ability to re-build dismantled robots to a certain extent.[9] She is also a proficient and very attractive aerobic practitioner,[5][2] with her beauty having increased thanks to the art of Jack Kirby.[8] Chaplain America in particular feels attracted to her.[5][16]

The Scarlett Wench knows that she is a comic-book character in a parody series,[8][10] a knowledge she can put to good use,[8] and she is even interested in expanding her appearances through the use of cross-overs.[10]

Weaknesses

As a married woman and house owner, Wanda is particularly vulnerable to the mortgage broker.[8] She can also feel overwhelmed if she has several individual stories in the same comic-book, being forced to reduce her appearances in one of them.[10]


Equipment

Wanda owns a crystal ball that she can use to watch events happening elsewhere.[5]

Discover and Discuss

Footnotes

  1. 1.00 1.01 1.02 1.03 1.04 1.05 1.06 1.07 1.08 1.09 1.10 1.11 1.12 1.13 1.14 1.15 1.16 1.17 1.18 Married with Super-Powers in What The--?! #3
  2. 2.0 2.1 2.2 2.3 The satirical Sheeza-Hulk in "Be My Valentine… or else" in What The--?! #21
  3. 3.0 3.1 3.2 3.3 3.4 3.5 3.6 Smacks of Vengeance in What The--?! #3
  4. 4.0 4.1 4.2 4.3 X-Men Classic in What The--?! #25
  5. 5.00 5.01 5.02 5.03 5.04 5.05 5.06 5.07 5.08 5.09 5.10 5.11 A Salute to the Silver Age in What The--?! #25
  6. 6.0 6.1 The Visionary and the Scarlet Itch in Brain games in What The--?! #14
  7. 7.0 7.1 Salem's Pot in What The--?! #22
  8. 8.00 8.01 8.02 8.03 8.04 8.05 8.06 8.07 8.08 8.09 8.10 8.11 8.12 8.13 8.14 8.15 8.16 8.17 8.18 8.19 8.20 8.21 8.22 8.23 8.24 8.25 8.26 8.27 8.28 8.29 8.30 The Vizzion and the Scarlett Wench in "Homecoming Around Again" in What The--?! #3
  9. 9.0 9.1 9.2 9.3 9.4 9.5 9.6 The secret, unsuspected sanctum sancyouverymuch of Doctor Deranged in What The--?! #2
  10. 10.0 10.1 10.2 10.3 10.4 10.5 10.6 Mutant Beach Party! in What The--?! #3
  11. 11.0 11.1 11.2 When Titans Bunch! in What The--?! #1
  12. Superbman vs. the Fantastical Four in "My bad guy… my enemy!" in What The--?! #2
  13. Mighty Marvel Merchandising! in What The--?! #6
  14. 14.0 14.1 14.2 14.3 Untitled wrap-up story in What The--?! #9
  15. The Fantastical Four World Tour 1992 in What The--?! #17
  16. 16.0 16.1 Marble Movie Madness: The Malted Falcon in What The--?! #19
  17. Marble Movie Madness: Driving Medoozy in What The--?! #21
  18. The Infinity Mitten! in What The--?! #24
  19. The Scarlett Wench does not appear again in the remaining issues of What The--?, except in stories chronologically previous to this event; however, other heroes killed in that fight (Chaplain America, Silver Burper, Wolveream) do, and never refer to this again.



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