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Quote1 For untold eons have I watched! For millennia have I observed and not once have I taken out these !@#$%&*® contact lenses! Quote2
-- Watchman[5]
 

Secret War III

The being known originally as the Watchman had been assigned to observe Earth,[7] and so he did during several thousands of years, without taking out his contact lenses[5] and from his headquarters on the Moon. He also had access to a TV set with which he could oversee events happening in alternate realities.[7]

During the early age of superheroes, when most superheroes where children, the huge Uatu-tu -still sporting one single lock of brown hair- enjoyed watching the humans, sticking out his head over the buildings. In particular he noticed how Galactus' lunch bag broke over the weight of a meteor-sized planet and fell to earth, smashing the Guardians of the Crosswalk. Uatu-tu did nothing except maybe making an ironic comment.[8] Uatu-tu later became completely bald.[7]

In the mid-1980s, the Watchman was involved in the first and second Secret Wars to a certain extent (an event including all the characters in the Marble Universe but of which no-one knew about), and he was proud of it. However, in the mid-late 1980s, the Digressing Cosmos was making a high-concept mega maxi-series known as Legendary Crisis of the Infinite Millenium" or "Infinite Legends of the Millenium Crisis," and the Watchman worried that they may be faring even better than Marble. The Watchman decided to manipulate events so that Marble could have a third Secret War. He did not want to call the character behind the previous Secret Wars, the Behinder, because the Watchman disliked omniscient-but-naïve people like the Behinder. He considered villains such as Dormammal, Lowkey, Minuscule Man and Kankersore the Conquistador, but he finally settled for Doctor Doof.[7]

The Watchman transported Doctor Doof to the Moon, and then spent some time calling his attention: Doof was so solipsistic and self-impressed, that he did not pay attention to anything around him, especially when rehearsing his speeches. Once the Watchman finally managed to make Doof listen, he disliked the conversation: The Watchman convinced Doof about Doof being the man behind everything, so he would not be affected negatively; but Doof wanted to negotiate his percentage of the profits, and the Watchman intended to give Doof the traditional 1.5. Finally sick of it, the Watchman transported Doof back to Flatveria.[7]

For his second choice, the Watchman himself made a speech about "the man you can count on." Small aliens on the moon replied him with the theme from Shaft, but the Watchman was talking about Galacticus. He invoked Galacticus and talked with him using loudspeakers and a telescope. Galacticus was offended because the Watchman had interrupted dinnertime, which was important to Galacticus (although the Watchman thought that all time was dinnertime for Galacticus). Even when the Watchman apologized, Galacticus tried to eat him and the Watchman had to escape. The Watchman threw a banana after him, making Galacticus slip and fall on a nearby planet (Earth).[7]

The Watchman then tried his luck with Magnutto. The Watchman believed that Magnutto was only pretending to be a hero to get some toys from Santa Claus, thus Magnutto would probably be a good villain for the Watchman's purposes. Once Magnutto came, he refused to talk to the Watchman until the Watchman pronounced Magnutto's name correctly, which he could not. The Watchman discarded Magnutto too.[7]

Finally, and after considering the Bathroom-Monitor, the Watchman called the Behinder. The Behinder was eager to work again in a Secret War and earn more money, although the Watchman insisted that they must also made the War to be fun and of redeeming social importance. The Behinder teleported a great number of supervillains to the moon, to which the Watchman argued: Too many characters would dilute the interest in any of them, they needed something new and important, and the artists would be unable to draw that kind of crowds; the Behinder kept on until he was satisfied but there were so many villains on the surface of the Moon that it fell out of its orbit. The Watchman hardly escaped by trying to grab the border of a panel.[7]

Exile on Earth

Apparently restricted to operate on Earth, the Watchman was next seen using the monniker of the Watchit. At that time, the mutie superheroes X-Persons were being harassed by the ominous consortium of their most deadly and most implacable enemies—which some of the X-Persons had not even seen. While the X-Persons regrouped on a beach after some attacks and a beach party, the Watchit appeared, smirking and hovering. Most of the X-Persons understood that his presence was due to the imminence of the consortium's stand and they prepared their last stand.[9] Although the battle was apparently brutal, no-one important died or suffered permanent damage.[10]

In a less-than-intelligent movement, Marble then decided to include the Watchman (no longer the Watchit) in a super-hero team. They paired (or quintuted) him with the three other most long-winded characters in Marble Comics, Loust[5] (by the way the Loust was one of the X-Persons who fought against the consortium),[10] Mr. Fantastical and Silver Burper, along with the less diplomatic, more aggressive Pulverizer in the team known as Coupling #139. The Watchman spoke a lot with his teammates.[5]

Thus, when a mugger tried to steal a woman's purse, the Watchman and the Burper stopped the Pulverizer from intervening because they wanted to pontificate for several panels about the pros and cons of imposing moral imperatives. The Pulverizer got sick of the idea and shot at his teammates; he then went after the criminal.[5]

Cosmic Again

Somehow, Uatu-Tu recovered his status roaming the cosmos and he became known as the Watcher. He put a big placard in Brazil, announcing that he was selling realty there.[3] For a while he operated under the clever pseudonym "Uatu, the Watcher", he adapted to a daily routine of universe-watching work (after systematically failing at three sit-up and succeeding and swallowing coco puffs). In one occassion, fellow Watcher Ioyu politely stuck Uatu with the task of babysitting Ioyu's son Lavnic for several hours. Initially Uatu tried to ignore Lavnic and focus on his work; but Lavnic was too active and had to be stopped: Rascally Lavnic nosed around Uatu's home dangerously manipulating devices such as a lazer gun and the Ultimate Nullifier, then scared the inhabitants of another dimension. Headached Uatu tried to entertain Lavnic with an holo-viewer, but Lavnic disregarded the device and instead went to ride Uatu's pet Big Rackat. Finally enraged -although Lavnic insisted he had given Uatu something to watch-, Uatu delegated the babysitting to the Inhumans, and advised Lavnic to not make Black Bolt "raise his voice with you."[2]

After this, using the alias "Uatu the Scalper", he signed a contract with Marble Comics that allowed him to get free tickets to any relevant occassion in their continuity, including Fantastical Four music concerts, including one on the Moon mostly for the Quasi-Humans. Considering that he could not physically attend to each and every cross-over and stuff, the Scalper took a chance during one of these events at Blatveria to publicize the possibility of re-selling some of those admission vouchers to the audience (the comic-book readers) - available on 1-800-555-MOON[1] (probably the telephone number has been discontinued since).

Working as the Voyeur, Uatu-tu also investigated the less-than-interesting alternate reality where Peter Parker never become Spider-Man and had a regular life, after which Uatu-tu considered peeking on Jennifer Walter's changing room.[4]

He then renamed himself the Swatcher.[11] Uatu-Tu also became one of the Marbel Cosmic Gods (along with Cos Comp, The Cosmic Comptroller, DeFalco the Lord Editron, Galactush—previous Galacticus— and The Mysterious Dirtyold Stranger). The Gods did not have their own comic-book series because they were too big and powerful, but they made guest appearances.[6]

He then addressed the reader to tell a tale that never happened and that he expected would never happen (poor him). In the story, the shapeshifting alien invaders Skrulls impersonated most of the superheroes of Earth (and in fact most of the non-superpowered people on Earth), including Uatu-Tu himself, and they conquered the Earth. The story ended when writer/artist Darren Auck and writer/colorist Ed Lazeralli showed his idea to editor Renee (Witters? Witterstaetter?), but she rejected it, officially because it was too unnatural and incoherent, but really because Witters herself and several others had already been replaced by Skrulls.[11]

As a Watcher, Uatu-tu also narrated -again addressing the reader directly- the story of an alternate Earth where Forbush Man was really a super hero.[12]

Soon afterward, the super-villain Thermos used the Infinity Mitten to kill half of the population of the Universe and, later, all the Marble heroes opposing to him. The Cosmic Gods, including the Swatcher, appeared to confront Thermos, but Thermos got rid of them quickly by saying that he was an atheist. The Gods disappeared and, although Thermos killed everyone in the universe,[6] apparently his actions got quickly reverted immediately after that.[13]

Uatu-tu recovered after this event to narrate another "what if" story to the reader - one where the Fantastic Four (and later their associates) decided to keep on acting in movies, with great success, and replacing the stars of certain films on Earth-616.[14]

Powers

The Watchman has powers to transport anyone to his presence, sometimes with the victim being unaware of it, and then take him back—as long as the victim is not opposed to him being teleported back; Galacticus was powerful enough to oppose to this. The Watchman's powers allow him to understand the motivations under the acts of certain people, as when Magneeto pretended to be a good guy to trick Santa Claus. His powers allow him to grab the border of a panel.[7]

He can also float in the air, giving out a blinding light.[9]

Abilities

The Watchman insisted that some sights were restricted only to eyes such as his, but he was commonly talking about sights related to beautiful women.[5]

Due to his special circumstances, Uatu-Tu can speak directly to the reader and break the fourth wall.[11] In fact, during the Secret War III, the panel's walls literally broke and the Watchman tried to grab one of them.[7]

Weaknesses

The Watchman's power is not enough to directly confront an angry Galacticus. The Watchman cannot pronounce Magneeto's name to the latter satisfaction.[7]


Equipment

The Watchman wears contact lenses in his eyes, even if they are not that comfortable for him.[5] He also owns a TV set with a remote[7] and a mug of coffee.[5] He can also call some gear to his hand, including a loudspeaker and a telescope. His diet includes bananas and take-out Mexican food.[7] Sometimes he wears sunglasses too.[11] He owns a hot water bag for those moments when he has a headache.[2]

Transportation

The Watchman moves by foot, using furry slippers.[5] The Watchman has also made a wheel appear in each of his feet to escape.[7] He can also teleport.[9][6] His pet Big Rackat can technically be used as a mount, but the Watcher finds this to be a bad idea.[2]

Weapons

The Watcher has a lazer gun and the Ultimate Nullifier at home. Those are not toys to be played with.[2]

The Watchman was described as one of the four most long-winded characters of Marvel along with Loust, Mr. Fantastical and Silver Burper.[5]

The Watchman's head was so big that it was mistaken with a word balloon. He sometimes writes a caption on his head to avoid confusion.[5] He claimed that the size of his head increased because he was eating take-out Mexican food too much (and you can't take out that much taco).[7]

There are a number of other Watchers in Earth-9047 including Mr. U-Tu the Peeping Tom,[15] Uotto the What-iffer,[16] Ioyu, his son Lavnic and Ohotmu, watcher of Crab Nebula.[17]

His favorite TV show is Now It Can Be Told.[18]

Discover and Discuss

Footnotes

  1. 1.0 1.1 World Tour 1992 in What The--?! #17
  2. 2.0 2.1 2.2 2.3 2.4 The Watcher in 'Someone to watch over me' in What The--?! Vol 1 16
  3. 3.0 3.1 Silver Blurper in What The--?! #13
  4. 4.0 4.1 What If... Peter Parker Had Not Been Bitten By a Radioactive Spider and Become Spider-Man? in What The--?! #19
  5. 5.00 5.01 5.02 5.03 5.04 5.05 5.06 5.07 5.08 5.09 5.10 5.11 5.12 5.13 5.14 Ill-conceived character couplings in What The--?! #5
  6. 6.0 6.1 6.2 6.3 The Infinity Mitten! in What The--?! #24
  7. 7.00 7.01 7.02 7.03 7.04 7.05 7.06 7.07 7.08 7.09 7.10 7.11 7.12 7.13 7.14 7.15 7.16 7.17 Secret War III in What The--? #1
  8. 8.0 8.1 Guardians of the Crosswalk in What The--?! #25.
  9. 9.0 9.1 9.2 Mutant Beach Party! part 2 in What The--?! #4
  10. 10.0 10.1 because no-one ever made reference to this battle again and some of the characters reappeared soon afterward.
  11. 11.0 11.1 11.2 11.3 Tales of the Swatchers in What The--?! #21
  12. What if Forbush Man were a real super hero? in What The--?! #23
  13. In the following stories, some of the dead characters re-appared, including the Swatcher.
  14. What if…The Fantastic Four stayed in the movie biz? in What The--?! #26
  15. You bet your dignity in What The--?! # 5
  16. Auld Lang Syne in What The--?! # 11
  17. The Watcher in "Someone to watch over me" in What The--?! #16
  18. Top ten favorite TV shows of the Marvel Heroes in What The--?! #18



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