Appearing in "Acts of Peevishness!"Edit
- Howard the Duck
- Various universes
- She-Hulk's flying car
Synopsis for "Acts of Peevishness!"Edit
She-Hulk tells Weezi to take the wheel as she climbs outside the car with the myriad of suicide jumpers. She-Hulk catches a bunch of the jumpers and asks them if they want to go up or down. The jumpers indicate, "We gotta go die." She-Hulk releases the jumpers and says that it is their universe and their choice. She says that it is far from her choice to violate their prime directive. The jumpers thank She-Hulk and says bye. As She-Hulk deflects jumpers headed towards the car she asks Brent if they are trapped in the universe. Brent says that he doesn’t know. He says that he is guessing that this is one of those universes like the baloney-verse. He asks if she recalls the report on the radio about the objects dropping from the sky. He says that there could be more devices like the one she found in Vermont. Howard says that there is a problem. He asks how one universe could exist within another, let alone all the universes existing in the compaction things. Brent says that they couldn’t for long. He says that they would expand, impact, and squish one another along with squishing their own universe. Weezi tells She-Hulk to hold on since there is a steep climb coming up.
As they exit the suicide-verse, the car is headed toward the top of the Gateway Arch. She-Hulk says that is impossible. She says that would mean that they crossed all of Kansas and Missouri in under five minutes. Brent says that the universe is getting smaller. Where Illinois used to be, the car enters the “Don’t Worry, Be Happy-Verse”. From there they head into a trash universe, then into a universe of cyclopeans with camcorders for brains, then into a Narcississi-verse, then into a 976-verse with slutty girls on the phone, then into a Noriega-verse. After that they re-enter their own universe. The trip meter tells them that they have been traveling for 6000 hours, and gone 287, 954 miles. Weezi says that they couldn’t have gone that far. Howard points out that they are flying toward Big Ben. Brent notes that the mileage is a little over ten times the circumference of the globe. He says that the car is probably measuring “squished miles” and “compressed time”. She-Hulk says that they need to stop theorizing and find Howard’s “bald guy”. As they pass Big Ben they realize that they are now back in Manhattan. She-Hulk says that the Atlantic Ocean, Ireland, Wales, and the west of England have been squished out of existence. Weezi asks if all those people are dead. Brent guesses that they have merely been compressed the way the other universes were. Manhattan is getting squished as well so She-Hulk sets down in the New Jersey Palisades.
In Connecticut, at the Mystic Meadows home for the elderly, Laslo asks if everyone could die. Critic says that they could. Laslo shouts that he doesn’t believe this. He says that the world is coming to an end, and that because of some creed that he has him playing 20 questions. Critic starts to defend the creed, but decides that Laslo is right. Critic flies out of the home and Laslo follows in a bubble.
She-Hulk says that Manhattan keeps getting smaller, and wonders why Jersey isn’t affected. Brent starts to theorize, but Howard tells him to save it since the “cosmic bald guy” is coming in.
In his apartment, Angst tells the others that this square block is one of the five places in the universe that are exempt from the squish. Tillie asks what the other four are. Angst says that they are; Henderson, Nevada… El Segundo, California… most of New Jersey… and the planet Sqazzl in the Badoon sector that specializes in the manufacture of doorstops. He says that they are the dullest places in all of existence. Angst supplies them with an image of his “Insipiverse”, and says that they will rule this boring universe. He says that no other gods will come since the Earth will have become a toxic waste dump. Tillie says that sounds good, but asks what they are going to do while they wait. Angst says that he was hoping that she would ask. Angst provides an image of She-Hulk, Howard, Weezi, Brent, Critic, and Laslo. Angst says that the six of them are the only beings that can threaten his plans. He says that if they need to do something that they can wipe them out. Angst says to pay attention to Howard who put them in jail fourteen years ago. Tillie says that she always wondered if She-Hulk was as tough as she was cracked up to be. All of them take dibs on someone or something and they are off.
Critic uses his senses to tell the others the five places that aren’t getting squished. She-Hulk says that it makes sense that whoever did this wouldn’t squish himself, and so he must be in one of the five places. Howard asks if they have anything in common. Critic says that the only thing that unites them in that they are all mundane. Howard says, “Angst…!” Critic starts to say that they are all distressed, but Howard leaps into his face and says that it is a proper name. He says that it is Dr. Angst, self-styled master of mundane mysticism. Critic says that magic is one of the ways in which Angst could cloak himself from his senses. Laslo thinks to himself that he can feel evil coming again. Angst’s minions appear and tells Critic that Angst hid them from him too. Critic says that they haven’t counted on him abrogating his Critic’s Creed. Black Hole tells him not to bet on it. Black Hole starts to suck Critic into his chest. Critic realizes that Black Hole is creating a singularity field, and that his powers won’t work against him. Critic is sucked into Black Hole’s chest. Tillie says that the “large kahuna is in absentia”. She tells the others to give them a workout. She-Hulk says that she will be Jane Fonda, and that they can all be the cellulite. Tillie excuses the pun, but says, “Fat chance!” as she hits She-Hulk with her mace. Sitting Bullseye goes after Laslo. She-Hulk is knocked to the ground. She wonders why that hurts and realizes that Tillie’s mace is probably enchanted by Angst the way Thor’s hammer is enchanted. Tillie tries to smash She-Hulk’s skull in, but She-Hulk rolls out of the way. Tillie hits She-Hulk in the stomach.
Spanker dives onto Weezi. He says that he has disciplined lots of people, but that old ladies are his favorite. He starts whacking Weezi on the butt with his paddle, and that she should be ashamed to be dressed like a “flirtatious teeny-bopper”. Howard thinks to himself that Weezi deserves a good whacking, but that Spanker is enjoying it too much. Howard throws his cigar into Spanker’s mouth. Weezi whacks him. She says that she might be older now, but that the original Blonde Phantom still has a mean left uppercut. She punches Spanker in the face.
Black Hole is sucking She-Hulk’s car into his chest. Brent thinks to himself that there is something familiar about the phenomenon.
Sitting Bullseye is racking Laslo, and says that this is as easy as he thought it would be. He says that the test will be to see if he has a cold enough heart to jam a shiv in the old man’s back for no reason. The Terror leaps at Sitting Bullseye and shouts, “Die, paramilitary pig! Die, ideological dinosaur!”
Tillie hears Sitting Bullseye screaming in pain and turns to look. While she is distracted She-Hulk grabs Tillie’s mace. She-Hulk says that they can’t even handle a septuagenarian in a wheelchair. She says that it is no wonder that she has never heard of her. Tillie swings at She-Hulk and tells her to give her the mace. She-Hulk dodges and says that she intends to. Tillie says, “You skinny little…” She-Hulk says that after a compliment like that she doesn’t even feel like hitting her anymore, but that she will force herself. She-Hulk pastes Tillie with her own mace. She sends her flying all the way from Jersey into Big Ben.
Brent realizes that Black Hole’s power is an analogue to the compaction process. He says that if they could control him that they could suck the universes into him. Weezi grabs Black Hole’s chest cavity from behind and pulls it open wider. She-Hulk pulls her car out of Black Hole’s chest. Howard asks how they are going to make Black Hole do anything against his will. Critic starts to crawl out of Black Hole’s chest and says that they will use “brute force”. Critic tells She-Hulk to get behind Black Hole and opens the cavity wide with both hands. She-Hulk says that she’s got it. Critic frees himself from Black Hole, and then uses his power to link all the compaction modules and the universes that are leaking out of them. All the universes pour into Black Hole’s chest. She-Hulk releases the now portly Black Hole. She asks how they don’t know he won’t just spew them out again. Critic says to leave that to him. He adds that She-Hulk’s bravura makes up for her previous lack of direction and gives her three and a half stars.
A blink later, Howard, Weezi, Brent, and She-Hulk are standing in New Jersey alone. Howard asks if he blacked out or something. He had swore they were doing something. Brent notes that She-Hulk is green again. She-Hulk says that she feels like she has done two years worth of isometrics on her pectorals. She says that something did happen, but that she can’t remember who or what. She-Hulk asks if Howard can feel that the danger has passed. Howard says that he does and asks if he can have a ride to Cleveland.
In Manhattan, Angst, Tillie, a bandaged up Sitting Bullseye, and the Spanker are standing around. Tillie asks if they weren’t going somewhere for some reason. Spanker asks where Black Hole is.
Out in space, Critic is sitting on the rotund Black Hole consulting his “Crisis Management on Infinite Earths” manual. He says that induced selective amnesia is the only way around having broken the sacred oath.
- Part 4 of 4 of "The Cosmic Squish Principle".
- The title "Acts of Peevishness!" is a play on the storyline "Acts of Vengeance".
- Likewise, the "Crisis Management on Infinite Earths" manual the Critic reads is a play on DC Comics' "Crisis on Infinite Earths".
- The "Don’t Worry, Be Happy-Verse" refers to the 1988 song "Don’t Worry, Be Happy" from Bobby McFerrin.
- No trivia.
Links and ReferencesEdit
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